Dear Friend,
I am so happy for you to have been blessed with a job teaching English. I know that you will be blessed.
I pray for you. I understand what you go through, I go through similar trials. If the enemy can not get you to turn away from God , his next slimy attempt is to keep you from any joy at all. It is a difficult place to be in, but the good news is that God has allowed this condition so that you can learn to overcome this attack.
We are in war. God has your spirit, but the enemy wishes to have your soul, to eat you alive inside and most of all, the attack is to get you, a Believer , to accuse God of not caring, not being there for you, not answering your prayer, not attending to your needs.
God allows this, though it hurts Him very badly because he hates lies, so that you will become aware that you are being lied to, and assert your right to have joy, and peace. This feeling of apathy is from the evil one. I have struggled with it to. It is a lying spirit.
This might sound dramatic, but it is the spirit of death- the enemy so wants you to complain about God( He hates it when when genuinely appreciate and love God) The evil enemy wishes to steal joy, kill you, and destroy any praise towards God.

God desires to use this to help you grow and work out everything with Him.
I like your fight, and the fact that you are willing to surrender all.
Are you willing to live life as regular human being who struggles with lust, and greed and worry and pain?
I have felt like you have also. When I realized how unholy , unpure and lecherous my thoughts are. I know God is perfect and Holy and can not stand to be in the presence of sin.I struggle with greed, anxiety, prejudice, fear, lust, selfishness- every kind.
I know it is very painful to realize that we will have to live with the tendency to desire to sin. Oh, it hurts so much! I know.
But, there is one way out. Total and utter surrender. You may have felt like I did that I was as surrendered as I could be , but still struggled with enjoying sin- it feels good. That is a fact, but what it takes as payment is your life.

Antoher difficult thing I faced within myself is the fact that like you, I hated the idea I would have to battle my flesh the rest of my life. I was really angry about that. You said:


.im no use with all this sin in me ....when god calls me to be pure and when i am continually impure ...then whats the point ...?

That is exactly the point. God wants to use the weak things of the world, to fill with HIS strength.

It hurts to admit the truth about yourself. I ask you a question that I had to ask myself when I was battling these things

" Who are you to demand to be sinless? "

It is the ultimate in arrogance. To have to live life being imperfect. It is what we are , as CHRITIANS called TO DO>
It doesn't mean we GIVE IN...
It means when we are tempted, we cry out to the only One who can overcome it- the Spirit of God.
I don't know about you, but the idea that I even HAVE to deal with temptation makes me angry and feel , in my flesh, insulted. I want to be perfect, but I will never be. Never. The only hope we have is CHRIST.

There is not denying that sin is very alluring, but Your love for God is more.
Our desire not to hurt the ones we love is the only thing that can stop us from doing what sinful creatures do - sin.
The only thing we have power over is our asking will- the thing inside us that chooses above all else, to turn, to kneel, to bow and say in total humility, "Help me!!! I can't say no to this !Spirit of God , fight for me, I can not!"

Have you ever heard of the Way of Purity course by settingthecaptivefree ministry.
That course helped me so much not only with my sexual sin, but with many other attitude problems I had deeply entrenched.
Please consider it.
Your feelings are just feelings. They are not truth. You must make them obey the Lord, with His power you can take authority over them.
" Dear Heavenly Father,
God of Wonders beyond what we can imagine of think. You have come to set this one free. You have allowed him to get in this condition so that he can clearly see that he needs Your help, the assistance of Your power to overcome these attacks, and the sin nature that dwells within every single human being that ever lived , except Jesus Christ.
Show him exactly what he must do to be free and victorious over his emotions that lie, lie , lie to him, and that are being used to destroy joy. You have come to show him another way.
I pray that you show him the Truth, and give him the desire to fight this battle , not in a phoney sense of self depreciation, which the enemy loves, but in a spirit of true humility which only Your spirit can give us human fallen ones.
Show him what victorious Christian living is about- that takes him into Your glory living for your glory and not feelings.
Bless him with courage to do whatever it is You show him to do to overcome this. First, he must be willing. He must be willing to give up the illusion of perfection. He must be willing to accept the fact that there is NO perfect being , but You alone. please touch this brother in a new way. Consume Him with your spirit of freedom, that no longer is fixated on his own imperfection , but Your Beauty and Glory and Power, and Light that is More magnificent than anything imaginable. Your Love is the most alluring force in any Universe, better than any high on sin! Better than any sexual experience imaginable! Better than any feeling of pride that can make us high. Better than any comfort from depression. Saturate this man with your love, so that he fully , in every cell of his being, is raptured by You.
Let Him fully realize, even if it make him sad, that the only thing he does here is let go of himself and his desire to control his life. Thank you Father for answering. We love you and praise you no matter what we feel! You are great, no matter what thoughts try to tell us. You are worthy of all praise, and we offer the only thing we have to give, our will.
In Jesus Name,
Amen